My 4 year old and 7 year old children won't listen to me.
I tell them to do something and they don't do it. I tell them to stop doing something and they keep doing it no matter
how many times I tell them to stop. What can I do to make them listen? I don't like hearing myself yell at them
all the time.
- Lost
my voice
Dear Lost,
This problem is easily solved, so don't fret. It won't
even take a lot of work on your part, just
stick-to-itive-ness.
First
of all, there is no need to yell They hear you no matter what level your voice is. Raising your voice just gets
your blood pressure up and is not at all effective in getting them to listen in the long run.
Tell
them to do whatever it is you want them to do in a normal voice, down at their level, so you are sure they have heard you.
If they don't listen, immediately tell them they have lost a privilege. (Can't watch favorite tv program, no video game
time, no dessert, whatever you know will mean something.) There is no warning for the consequence, just immediate statement
of it after they have not listened.
They will, of course, protest, beg, plead, etc. But
you MUST stick to your statement or your problem will get worse. Your children MUST see you are sure of your decision
and will not budge.
When they don't listen when you tell them to stop, it has
been my experience that at time-out, done well, is very effective.
Let's
say your 4 year old is swinging a toy around her head, not caring who might get hit and you tell her to stop. Let me
guess... she looks at you and keeps doing it, right? At this point, you can say "1" wait a moment, "2"
wait a moment, and "3- time-out." The time out should be in a corner, removed from the immediate vicinity
of the rest of the group, or at least against a wall, also removed from the group.
This
sort of time-out, which should last at least a few minutes, no screaming or crying allowed, is very effective. I think
you will see results. You can even do it without the 1-2-3 warning.
The
main thing to remember, no matter what technique you use, is you MUST BE CONSISTENT. Do not waver.
Try
this for a few weeks and I think you will see good results.
-Erin
POLL OF THE MONTH:
Do you use cloth diapers? If so, why, if not, why not?
Send me a detailed email and I'll publish the results of the poll and include them in my book.
Erin@EveryBabyBook.com
Dear Erin,
I am trying to
potty train my 2 1/2 year old and am getting frustrated by the accidents, washing clothes and cleaning messes. He seems
to want to do it but it's taking forever. Do you have any tips?
-All wet
Dear wet,
I hope I can help. Having taught 3 boys to use the potty, all at different
ages, with different issues, I think I can offer some useful advice.
First, the fact that he seems to want to use the toilet is a great sign.
Second, one of the biggest things you can do is keep his pants off while he's home. This cuts down on the laundry and
it makes it easy to spot an accident starting and get him on the potty quickly.
Put the little potty in the room where he is playing so
that it is easily accessible. As soon as you see that he needs to go, or even starts to go, quickly move him to the
potty and encourage him. Never use a stern tone to scold him for accidents.
When you go out, put him in underwear but put a pull up
over the underwear. This makes it consistent for him but reduces the mess for you. He'll know immediately if he
has an accident but all you have to do is put the underwear in a bag, wipe him off, and go about your errands.
Reward him for success. For each
time he goes on the potty, whether he starts off of it or not, give him a sticker, m&m or whatever might motivate him.
Videos/dvds from the library, such as
Once Upon a Potty and Potty Time and Gotta Go are fun for him to watch and can help him learn.
I think you will see success quickly.
-Erin
Dear Erin,
My
3 1/2 year old hits. I thought this was typical preschooler behavior but most of my friends' kids don't do it.
He not only hits his playmates but hits me as well. What can I do?
Signed, Bruised
Dear Bruised,
Yes, this is typical preschooler behavior but it is your job, as a parent, to stop it right away by using
immediate, predictable consequences.
A
successful technique is an immediate TIME OUT and removal of a favorite toy or privilege. A TIME OUT should last 1 minute
per year of age and should be in a quiet room, or preferably, in a corner. A TIME OUT in the child's room is not helpful
because he can look at his toys and books and not think about what he has done and why he is there.
It must be made clear to the child that hitting is never ok and there
will always be consequences and you must be consistent, as with any other negative behavior such as kicking or spitting.
Good luck. -Erin
Question: "When I tell my 3 1/2 year old daughter to do or not to do
something, she looks me in the eye and does it anyway. How do I change this behavior?"
Answer: From the book 1-2-3 Magic...
Explain to your daughter that Mommy and Daddy are the boss and what you say
is the final word and your decision will not change.
Explain that you will tell her something once
and if she doesn't follow your direction, you will say, "that's 1." If she still doesn't listen, you say,
"that's 2." Still no result, "that's 3, time-out." Then, you’ll guide her to a designated
place with no distractions for a time-out that lasts 3 minutes (one minute per year of her age). If the time out seems ineffective,
make sure you've selected an undesirable place for the time out. One of my sons didn't mind time outs until we made
him stand in a corner for them. They became effective quite quickly.
There's no discussion
that follows. You can remind her, as she leaves time-out, that she had the time out because she (fill in the blank)
and next time she’ll know better. She knows what she has done and has had three minutes to think about it.
This technique works because it eliminates the debate and negotiation we, as parents, get dragged into so frequently.
Does this sound familiar?
Bobby: "Mommy, can I have a snack?”
Mommy: “No, sweetie, it’s too close to dinner.”
Bobby: “Awww, but I want one.”
Mommy: “I said no.”
Bobby: “But I’m starving.”
Mommy: “I said it’s almost dinner time.”
Bobby: “Just a little one…”
Mommy: “Not now……”
(Need
I go on?) The 1-2-3 technique works. You have to be sure of your decision and you have to stick to it. You cannot
give in because if you do, the child will know that there’s a weakness and will keep trying.
